Change = Anxiety = Implosion

h2au-anxiety-implosionLittle Miss H is having a very tricky week (And it’s only Tuesday!)
We’ve had to miss ballet this evening as a result and she’s not coping brilliantly at all. She’s currently decompressing with her “tool kit” of sensory toys. She’s been incredibly erratic changing from argumentative to tearful to quietly angry and I’m exhausted, so goodness only knows how she must feel. It’s different from a full blown explosive, aggressive melt down, it’s more an implosion of anxiety.

It is all because her teacher and the usual substitute both of whom she knows well and trusts, are both off ill. As a result both yesterday and today she has unexpectedly had a different teacher. It’s someone she knows (and likes) at the school but hasn’t been taught by before. This change has caused her immense anxiety and this prolonged build up has culminated in this implosion. It’s involuntary and she can’t control it. Yes it seems irrational to me, does that frustrate me? Absolutely. Does that matter? No. I can not let my frustration inform my reaction. It does of course because I am human, but I do my best to count to twenty and mutter under my breath behind the cupboard door to enable me to be patient with her. I vacillate between calm and sympathetic to irritated and impatient. Which in turn leads to me feeling guilty and defensive. You see I am tired, sleep deprived and poorly so this reaction and the resulting unpredictable behaviour from her have me like a cat on a hot tin roof. Furthermore some of her calming toys are noisy and with my headache they are driving me nuts!!! Obviously I can’t react so here I am, telling you lot about it, hoping you won’t think I’m horrid for not just being a bundle of sympathy for my blessed child. Obviously I’m sympathetic but I’m nearing the end of a frayed bundle of nerves I think…

To really add sprinkles to the cherry on top, the teacher she currently has needs non-contact time tomorrow so it means a further teacher is coming in. It is a teacher she has heard of but doesn’t know. She doesn’t even know her name and is beyond worried about it. This has tipped the balance and she now can’t cope with it all. She’s anxious about every aspect from uncontrollable variables to things that just wouldn’t cross my mind. I’m so impressed with her that she is now able to (partially) vocalise her concerns but she doesn’t at school and it all comes out at home.

I’m not convinced I’ll get her to school tomorrow but it’s bedtime now and I’m not even sure she’ll get much sleep, so we will cross the school ‘bridge’ tomorrow…..

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Author: H2Au: the stuff of our life

H2Au: the stuff of our life. A personal story of our family's life with Autism, a rare chromosome disorder and auto immune disease.

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